Penis Envy?

Why do I seem to get multiple emails from Russian Brides every week asking whether I like their photos? I mean they can’t be very good with marketing the right target group me thinks.

Tap Tap

Is this thing switched on?

I’m using Windows Live Writer to blog from to see how easy it is. Seems a little odd, but doesn’t everything at first? I’m currently up to my eyeballs in essay research. I have amassed a ridiculous amount of info at the moment, and it needs some severe honing down. Still I’m not finding it too alarming just yet. Which reminds me, I need to check out Morland on the web.

Since last time we spoke.. I had a day of pure self control and will power. Did pilates, washing, ate well, sorted out kids, did research blah blah. It felt good. And then it was gone. I’ve been to the Whitworth to see their subversive spaces exhibition, and was a little disturbed, occasionally bored, and definitely lost throughout. Well the lost part was more to do with the blackened out room installation. Very unnerving, but pointless. The only thing I got from that experience was that I don’t completely freak out in utter darkness where you can’t see your hand in front of your face, and that a weird things happened to me where I couldn’t tell how tall I was, or rather how far from the ground I was. Where there was a small amount of light (intended to show the way to the contrived window where you see a mattress inside a bare room) I felt like I couldn’t be confident of my foot placement. I felt like I was either stepping up or down a slope, and didn’t trust my eyes at all. I also learned from that experience that when they covered the walls in black cloth, they did a pants job and what I at several points assumed was ‘something’ was just in fact the end of one cloth and the start of another. Still… why not go and ‘not see’ for yourselves?

Monday sees my first early morning tutorial with one of the arguably more demanding tutors in the art department. So help me.

Conclusions

I had a bit of an epiphany this evening. I realised that the one thing I would change about myself, if I could change only one thing of course, was my will power. I feel like I could be so much better if only I had more will power. If I were a little more mentally strong in will, more assertive with myself. If procrastination and laziness make excellent bed-fellows, then lack of  Will Power is their ultimate progeny. But no that’s wrong. Procrastination and laziness are Lack Of Will Power’s prison bitches. Do you know what else? In my mental prison, Guilt’s the lowest pond scum grass of the Bitches.

With strong will power there wouldn’t be any procrastination or laziness unless it was wanted. And there would be one hell of a lot less guilt. Guilt over ridiculous things that just make me feel crappy about myself. Which ultimately, and the irony isn’t lost on me, is entirely my own device! This evening’s guilt list: I didn’t get round to putting that wash load on, I didn’t get round to doing pilates, I ate three massive chunks of Garibaldi biscuits, I didn’t do any painting in uni today (although I did attend a workshop and pick up all my library reading for my essay), I’ve been ‘short’ with the kids because I’ve been preoccupied. I think that’s about it. OK lets see the list of things I’m glad I accomplished today: Said essay books from the library which took ages to find, going into Uni despite it being tempting to not bother with the workshop because it’s the kid’s half term, I let my mum have a bit of a rant about work when I really wanted to rant about Uni to her instead. Pah, just as I thought.  No wonder I’m in a bit of a funk. I hope it doesn’t last too long, however my current level of malaise seems to be temporarily consistent.

I wish there were some kind of excersizes you could do to train your brain into having more will power. Any ideas?

Crumpets

I keep randomly pointing at out of place ojects in the rooms of my house and shouting their names. That’s what comes of playing those Hidden Object games waaaaay too often. They are stupidly addictive and a complete waste of time, however we managed to find an ‘art’ version so I almost felt like I was doing research or something. Says something though when I can identify my home with the messes that are the Hidden Object scenes. Ach well.

Things have gone farely well today, with yesterday being just as chipper. Since the kiddies have finished evacuating from either end, I’ve been able to pop ‘Mummy’ role to the back of my head a little more and let ‘Art Student’ me out to play.  Today has even seen me embrace ‘Healthy Salad Eating Woman’ into my persona again, despite the lure of sandwiches. Did you know that lettice is brilliant for depression? And bananas. Now if I could just find my inner ‘Pilates Instructer’ then my life might be in balance. Fuckit.

What else has been going on.. Am a little bit in love with parts of a new song I’ve found by La Roux called In The Kill. Also have booked some tickets for Ladyhawke at the Club Academy (yes!) so things are musically sound.

Found a new blog…

This person is a genius. Check it out:

http://belcheresque.wordpress.com/

P.S. I’m considering being an Altermodernist. Hmmmm. Scrummy.

Snow Days and Summaries

I promised to update more.. and here I am.

The presentation (on Robert Hughes thoughts behind the beginning of Cubism from his book, The Shock Of The New) was very surreal. I went first as planned, and as expected I had a couple of butterflies zipping around my belly. I managed to talk without rushing or saying ‘Um’ or ‘Basically’ too often, and overall I believe it went well. I went on for ages anyway so that was something. No padding needed.

Most importantly though, the assessment also seemed to go well, although I won’t know what mark I’ve been given for a few weeks. I initially found it quite hard to discuss my more deeper meanings with the tutors. Hesitant I imagine for fear of sounding like a twat. After a bit they forced it all out of me, and there were plenty of positive comments. So fingers crossed. Most importantly I’ve been told to slow down, focus, and spend more time on ideas before moving on. “You’re a great student, now you need to learn to be a great artist.” Ok then!

I’m hesitant to drive into uni today. Siberian weather front is in full flow this side of the Pennines and people are driving like crazy buggers through the snow. But check out my view:

Assess this!

So my assessment’s tomorrow. I’ve just found out that we’re given a mark out of 100. News to me! Ach weeell. I’ve done as much as I really can do considering my time constraints juggling family and student life. I haven’t however done nearly as much as I would have liked. I shall update with more soon.

TO DO LIST:

• Must remember to renew my monthly car parking card in the first week of feb.
• Motivate eldest to get started on her Duke of Edinburgh award this week.
• Diddle about more in my sketchbooks, and not just in my head. Possible route to follow – turning street art into abstract painterly layers a la Rauschenberg.

Saweet.

I had a really good day today, and last night. Feeling really very happy despite the fact that my prep work for tomorrow’s presentation in the seminar has been minimal to say the least. Never mind. After tomorrow it’ll all be over with! There were a fair few people in uni as well today which was a total shock to me. Maybe the start of a better studio atmosphere? I hope so.

Offroading It!

Ok so I’ve been mentally travelling off the beaten track, and suffering from a bumpy road lately. Plus I went through a rather nasty bout of The Female Monthly Plague after the previous post, but things have settled hormonally.

[Interlude: I just patiently informed my partner that should he electrocute himself whilst installing an outside yard light I would hit him with a broom until he’s better. I’m a giver.]

Hmmm due to the sudden increase in swearing coming from various electrical outlets around the house, I think my blogging will have to be postponed. All power will soon probably be lost! Ah well. Just currently testing my possible return to blogging.

Little thought for the day: How would I know if I suffered from something more than just ‘clinical depression’ and more like manic depression or bi polar or personality disorder or something????

Look Ma, no hands!

So it’s nearly a new year. I’m loving how often I post. What a wonderful blogger I am. Ach weeeeeell.

Things are/have been/not always but often going a bit pants. The world’s economy crumbles into dust and how dare it personally affect me! Charming. I seem to exist in a quasi permanant state of disappointment and discomfort.

Meh.

Bring on the new year and a more positive outlook for me. Please?

Right lets see. A little checklist for some areas that can be improved in my life:

• Ignore the irritating, ignorant, and immature students that are in my studio. Surely they will fuck off the course in time. One can but hope.
• Money matters. Why are things so consistantly rubbish in that respect? And I need to cultivate a way to distance myself from other peoples problems so as to not take them on board with my own. My psychological ship just keeps tipping and dipping under the water from the strain.
• I need to accept my mudane life for what it is. I have a feeling of stagnation and uselessness. Feelings of ‘what on earth is the point to living again?’ Is this because it’s the end of a very hard year? In particular these last six months? But the bad bollocks just continues from one ‘bad year’ to the next. Saying its a bad year is misrepresentative. Just because it’s December and chronologically there is an end? God I sound like I should up my anti-depressents.
• Erm, review anti-depressent medication level!!!!
• Plague the doctor for my various medical issues.
• Continue to study art, the piano and learning the violin – makes me get out of my head.

There.

I guess maybe I feel a bit better for having written something down.